“I’m fine”. We say it all the time. Sometimes without even thinking about what it may mean.

I’ve noticed how often “fine” gets used as a sort of holding place when we don't really know what else to say. We might be tired, overwhelmed, irritated, worried or simply not feeling like ourselves, but “fine” is easier.

I’ve done it myself.

Sometimes I've said I'm fine because I genuinely didn't want to talk about something. Other times, I wasn't even sure what I would have said if I'd been asked again. And I think that's what interests me about those two little words. They don't necessarily tell us very much about how someone is actually doing.

I'm Fine

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

It’s probably one of the most automatic answers we give. Sometimes we really are fine. Nothing particularly exciting is happening, but nothing is wrong either. Other times, “I’m fine” can mean something completely different. Perhaps we don't know how we feel, don't want to get into it, or simply haven't got the energy to explain what is going on.

There have been plenty of times in my own life when I've said “I'm fine” because it was easier than trying to find the words for how I was actually feeling. I think most of us have done it.

We get very good at carrying on

Something I notice in my work is just how much people can carry while still getting on with everyday life. Work still needs doing. Children need looking after. There are appointments, shopping, messages to answer and people who need us. Life doesn't necessarily stop because we're struggling. From the outside, everything can look completely normal.

Then perhaps something quite small happens and suddenly it feels like too much. You become unusually irritated, find yourself crying, or realise just how exhausted you are. Maybe you sit in the car for a few minutes before going into the house because you need a moment to yourself.

Nothing dramatic has necessarily happened. You just don't feel quite like yourself.

“But I'm coping…”

This is something I hear quite often too.

I'm still working.

I'm still getting everything done.

Other people have it much worse.

It's not really bad enough to ask for help.

We can be remarkably good at convincing ourselves that because we're coping, we must be okay. But coping can take a lot of energy. There is a difference between managing to keep everything going and actually feeling alright.

I've met people who are doing incredibly well on paper but are exhausted from trying to hold everything together. Sometimes the pressure has been building for months before they finally stop and wonder what happened to their energy, confidence or enjoyment of life. There doesn't have to be a crisis before something deserves your attention.

What if you don't know what's wrong?

"I'm fine" becomes the default answer when we don't know what's wrong. You might know that you're anxious, tired, irritable or disconnected, but have no idea why. Perhaps several things have been building up and you can't work out which bit is bothering you most.

That's okay.

We don't always understand how we're feeling straight away. And we don't have to.

One of the things I like about therapy is that you don't have to arrive with everything worked out. You can start with “I don't really know what's going on, but I know I don't feel like myself.”

There's nothing wrong with starting there.

We don't have to tell everyone everything

I'm not suggesting that every time someone asks how you are, you need to give them an honest account of your emotional wellbeing. Sometimes “I'm fine” is perfectly appropriate. The person you pass in the corridor at work probably doesn't need to know that you've been overthinking everything since Tuesday. But perhaps there are people in your life who you could be a little more honest with.

“I've had a difficult week.”

“I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment.”

“I don't really know what's going on with me.”

Even saying “I'm not ready to talk about it, but thanks for asking” is more honest than pretending everything is brilliant.

So, how are you really?

It's a question worth asking yourself every now and then. Not because there needs to be something wrong, but because we can become so focused on getting through the day that we forget to check in with ourselves.

Are you enjoying your life at the moment?

Are you constantly tired?

Have you been worrying more than usual?

Are you putting everyone else's needs before your own?

Do you feel like yourself?

You may find that everything is actually okay.

Or perhaps you'll realise that you've been saying “I'm fine” for a while when what you really mean is:

I'm struggling a bit.

I'm exhausted.

I'm not myself.

I could probably do with some support.

And if that's the case, you don't need to wait until things become unbearable.

You don't need a diagnosis, a perfect explanation or a list of everything that's wrong.

You can simply start with:

“I'm not really sure what's wrong. I just don't feel like myself.”

Sometimes, that's enough to begin.